Read an excerpt from ‘Becoming Ms. Burton’
Editor’s note: Susan Burton was featured last year in the Starbucks original series Upstanders. She visited Seattle recently during a stop on her nationwide tour to talk about her new book “Becoming Ms. Burton: From Prison to Recovery to Leading the Fight for Incarcerated Women.” Below is an excerpt from the prologue and Chapter 1.
“Becoming Ms. Burton: From Prison to Recovery to Leading the Fight for Incarcerated Women”
By Susan Burton and Cari Lynn
I hadn’t seen Ingrid in several years when I picked her up in downtown Los Angeles. In her prison- issue clothes, she looked worn and weary, not at all like when she first showed up to my house in 2007, twenty-four years old and holding the hand of her five-year-old daughter, Simone.
As Ingrid got in my van, her once- sparkly eyes filled with tears. “I should have called you, Ms. Burton,” she said.
“You did call me,” I said. “That’s why I’m here.”
She shook her head. “Before I was arrested. I wasn’t doing so well. Simone kept telling me to call you, that you would help me. But . . . I felt I’d let you down. I wasn’t working because I had two babies one after the other. I gave up my housing to move in with my new baby’s father. But it was a bad relationship. I was bruised up.” Her voice quivered. “I didn’t want you to see me like that.”
As I listened, I recognized that fierce combination of pride and shame, how such opposite emotions could consume a person, forcing you into thinking you can manage, you can do it all, all by yourself. I drove Ingrid back to my house in Watts, a working- class black community of Los Angeles, immortalized in 1965 by racial tension and police brutality that sparked bloody riots. In a way, Watts was emblematic of so many of its residents. Efforts at revitalization were continuously overshadowed by staid perceptions of violence, gangs, and crime. Even in the face of a dramatic and steady decrease in violent crime, Watts still struggled for redemption. To me, this was a community of perseverance.
Nearly ten years ago, in my two- story, pink stucco bungalow, Ingrid and Simone had thrived, and I’d grown attached to those two. Little Simone, with her mother’s sweet smile, knock- kneed to the point you’d think one leg was gonna trip over the other. Ingrid, with smooth charcoal skin and full lips, her effervescence belying the many lives she’d lived in not so many years. I’d taken Ingrid with me to meetings with policymakers and political activists, discovering what family and teachers should have been nurturing in her all along: she had a sharp mind and an ease with public speaking. I’d watch Ingrid stand before crowds and tell her story.
“I can count the times I saw my mother sober,” she’d begin. “My childhood memories are filled with violence. I can’t remember any happy times, just black. Until one day, my dad came and got me, and I lived with him for a month. He bought me toys and set up an area for me to play. He made me breakfast every morning and took me places, to see family, to get ice cream. I never saw him angry. But he couldn’t keep me because he had a felony record. That was the best month on my life.” She went on to describe years of group homes and boot camp, and eventually escaping to the streets of South Central L.A., selling drugs to get by, giving birth at nineteen to Simone, being incarcerated shortly after.
Ingrid’s story pierced me so deeply because she reminded me of my younger self, a strong- willed woman swirling in trauma and tragedy, with so much to offer if only given the chance. She’d tell me, “Every time we go speak, it makes me want to be involved more and more. I can see the bigger picture, and I want to be part of that.”
Now, Ingrid was thirty-four years old. Her life had changed in a single day, outside a Dollar General store. Having scrounged up the money to buy Pampers and baby formula, she took her screaming toddler with her and made a bottle in the checkout line, but left her sleeping baby in the car, the windows open for air. Not more than ten minutes later, when she returned to her car, the police were there. She was arrested for child endangerment, though the baby was unharmed. The police impounded the diapers and baby formula in the car, despite Ingrid’s pleas that the children were hungry and needed changing. Because of her history, she was guilty before ever standing trial. She was sentenced to three years in prison and lost custody of all three of her daughters.
I was silent while she blamed everything on herself, how she’d been frazzled and sleep- deprived and, looking back, perhaps had postpartum depression. Okay, I thought, but had Ingrid been a person of means, had she been in a different neighborhood, had she not been black, would she have been sentenced to years in prison? Or would she have been given help, sent to parenting classes and therapy— resources that existed for certain people but not others?
Did I even need to ask the question?
Ingrid’s story could have— should have—been different. Same with my own story, and the stories of most of the one thousand women and their children who’ve come through the doors of A New Way of Life, seeking safety, productivity, meaning, and fulfillment.
So I keep asking questions. Why are black Americans incarcerated at nearly six times the rate of whites? Why are prison sentences for African Americans disproportionately higher? Once released, why do people face a lifetime of discriminatory policies and practices that smother any chance of a better life?
Nearly twenty years ago, before I began looking at the big picture— before I fully recognized there was a big picture—I set out to offer the type of refuge and support I wished I’d had: a house of women helping women. I came at it with only a GED earned in prison, without mentors, without funding. All I had was life experience. All I knew was there had to be a better way.
Now, every year in South L.A., around a hundred newly released women and their children call A New Way of Life home. In a state where more than half of all people with a felony conviction will return to prison, our program has a mere 4 percent recidivism rate.
We assist women in completing their education and finding jobs; we help women regain custody of their children; we provide twelve-step programs, counseling, and peer support groups. All for less than a third of the cost of incarceration. Our annual cost per woman at A New Way of Life is $16,000— compared to the annual cost of up to $60,000 to incarcerate a woman.
But something bigger than I could ever have imagined happened. As we women began telling our stories and talking about what was going on around us, I found my voice. I could no longer shake my head and helplessly ask the same questions over and over again. It was time to change the answers. To do that meant tackling the many institutional barriers—the laws, policies, and attitudes—that created mass incarceration and that continue to punish people long after they’ve served time.
The Thirteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution abolished slavery other than in prisons—but it was a lie that you regained your freedom once you left the prison gates. Upon release and for the rest of your life, you faced a massive wall of No. The American Bar Association documented 45,000 legal sanctions and restrictions imposed upon people with criminal records, a near- impenetrable barrier denying access to employment, student loans, housing, public assistance, custody of your children, the right to vote—in many places, the formerly incarcerated are even blocked from visiting a loved one in prison.
The minute I picked up a supposedly free Ingrid, these collateral consequences stared her square in the face. The highest priority was to get her kids back. But before she could even attempt to regain custody of her daughters, we had to get her set up in permanent housing. But she had to have money to cover rent, so first we had to find her employment. Of course only a limited number of jobs existed for someone with a conviction. Are you starting to get the picture? By design, Ingrid’s hopes and dreams were all but snuffed out, and her children’s lives thrown into permanent disarray, that day she made a faulty decision outside the Dollar General store.
This isn’t a problem that’s going to go away all on its own. The United States has the largest prison population in the world, and most of those prisoners will one day be released. I realized that formerly incarcerated people had no voice, and no one seemed willing to speak for us. As I built A New Way of Life, it sometimes felt as though a new underground railroad was taking shape. We, the people of the community, weren’t going to let each other fall. We would rescue each other, and deliver people to a lasting freedom. We would do all we could so that women like Ingrid could get their lives back, and make better lives for their children.
Through the network I’d cultivated over the past two decades, we began chipping away at what was once nearly impossible. We found Ingrid a job doing intake at a women’s homeless shelter. Working closely with the Department of Children and Family Services, and with proof of her residence at A New Way of Life, Ingrid was approved to have her children on weekends while she pursued the longer process of regaining full custody. She was putting money into a savings account, and working with housing agencies to find a permanent residence.
“Ms. Burton,” she said, the sparkle having returned to her eyes, “I’m moving my life along.”
The United States, with 2.2 million people behind bars, imprisons more people than any other country in the world.
Since 1980, the rate of incarceration for women has risen more than 700 percent. The majority of these women are imprisoned for nonviolent offenses.
The women take their first step of freedom at the Greyhound bus station in downtown Los Angeles, around the corner from Skid Row, where America’s largest concentration of homeless people live on the sidewalk, the lucky ones in makeshift tents. It’s nothing like the freedom you’d dreamed about in your cell. This freedom smells of urine and stale beer. Lingering to check out the new releases are pimps and drug dealers and down-on- their-luck others who may not be intentional predators but who are desperate to find someone to hang on to. Or someone to drag down with them. They all know you are easy prey.
You can almost touch the desperation, the doom in the air. You can feel it on you. On your prison- issue clothes. Everyone recognizes the ill- fitting clothes stitched by inmates: the muumuus with the garish pink and orange and yellow flower pattern; the baseball shirt; the state jeans, so stiff they can nearly stand up on their own—no designer label on the back pocket of these jeans. In order to walk out of prison you had to buy yourself some clothes with the $200 you were given upon release. That money went quickly after you also had to buy your bus ticket, a prison guard watching while you went to the Greyhound window and waiting until you got on that bus and it drove away.
Away, to freedom that was hardly freedom at all but a plan practically set in stone for people like me who came into this world in the county hospital, then grew up in the projects. Or maybe it wasn’t a plan at all; maybe it was the complete absence of any plan.
When you step off at the bus station, you have at most $100 left in your pocket, maybe less if you were only granted half your allowed amount, the rest to be doled out to you months later by your parole officer. There’s no reason why some people have their gate money withheld. Just like there’s no reason to anything in prison. No reason why, on a whim, a guard raids your locker, tearing through your only belongings, dumping your soap powder, and mixing your baby powder into your instant coffee, spoiling both. No reason why some women inmates are assigned to spend their days in a parenting class even if they don’t have children, while others must push a mop around for eight cents an hour, and others have to report to fire camp, going through weeks of rigorous physical training to be awarded an orange uniform and delivered to the front lines of a California wildfire for $1 an hour.
There’s also no logical reason why federal prisons offer halfway houses to those newly released, but state prisons provide nothing. Four thousand newly released women arrive in Los Angeles County every year to nothing. No re- entry programs, no counseling, no services, no assistance. You have no house key, no credit card, no checkbook, no driver’s license, no Social Security card, no identification of any sort because anything you were carrying when you were arrested has been destroyed by the state. You’re just one woman in the crowd of mostly black and brown faces, one number in the recidivism stats that are decidedly not in your favor.
Like vultures, the pimps circle, eyeing you, assessing you. The drug dealers circle. You know them from the old neighborhood, and they call you by name, offering their brand of a welcome home party. You have little incentive to say no. Ego tells you you’re gonna make it by any means necessary. Ego tells you you’re a grown woman. But you’re scared. How do you calm yourself? How do you connect with something healthy and hopeful when you’re surrounded by Skid Row? When you haven’t been allowed to make a decision in five, ten, twenty years? When all you want to do is wash prison off you, but you can’t, because it’s in you. It’s seeped into your psyche and into your soul.
One time I stepped off that bus and my father was there to pick me up. But by going with him I stepped right back into a bad dynamic, reconnecting with all the anger and abuse that had sent me out of control in the first place. My whole family, all five of my brothers, have had run-ins with the prison system.
Another time, my husband was there, and I stepped from the prison gates right back into an unhealthy relationship. What else was I going to do? Where else was I going to go? Nothing I possessed was going to get me any closer to a new way of life. I couldn’t even imagine what a new way of life might be. A discarded lottery ticket offered better odds.
All I wanted was to ease the fear, ease the self- loathing, ease the hopelessness. It seemed the only thing in the world I was certain of was how to escape by taking drugs, by self- medicating. Three days: that’s the average time for someone to relapse after getting out of prison. I knew nothing about statistics, but I knew that, in a drug high, I could escape into silence.
The last time I stepped off that bus, I didn’t know it would be the last time. Every time I left prison I left saying to myself, I’m not gonna get caught up again. Saying to myself, I’m gonna make a better life. I won’t be back. The prison guard who put me on the bus waved and said, “We got your bed waiting for you. See you soon.”
Six times I’d been imprisoned and each time I held hope that it would be the last time, but deep down I knew I wasn’t prepared for life “outside.” I’d been arrested over and over again for possession of a controlled substance. You’d think someone in the system might have gotten the bright idea that I needed drug treatment, that I needed therapy. But I was never offered help, and I didn’t know to ask for it because I didn’t know what to ask for. People with my color skin, and who grew up where I did, didn’t know concepts like rehab. I was always remanded to prison.
Even going back some fifteen-plus years, back to before I was first incarcerated, when assistance should have been mine for the taking and when it could have made all the difference. Back to that day when my five-year-old son came in the house to give me a beautiful chrysanthemum he’d picked. “For you, Mama,” he said, then went back outside to play. Marque, my little boy. We called him K.K. He was tall and slim, his skin caramel, his energy boundless. It was a day like any other. I’d picked K.K. up from kindergarten and we’d walked home and it was now around two in the afternoon. I looked down at the chrysanthemum he’d so proudly given me. The cushion of pink petals was crawling with ants. And then, brakes wailed and tires shrieked. The flower filled with ants dropped to the kitchen linoleum.
K.K. had run across the crosswalk and was hit. It could have been anyone at the wheel, but it happened to be a policeman driving an unmarked van. He didn’t see my son. Nor did he stick around. Neighbors and bystanders rushed over. But it was too late.
The loss of my baby filled me with a rage so powerful I no longer recognized myself. I knew K.K.’s death had been an accident, but when there’s an accident, it should be acknowledged. It was, however, no accident that I never did receive an acknowledgment—not from that policeman, or from the department, or from the city. Nothing would have brought my son back, of course, but just that small gesture, just someone bothering to say, “Ms. Burton, I’m sorry,” would have meant something.
When time’s numbing effect began to take hold, my rage was replaced by a depression so deep I felt hollow. How my body kept going was a mystery to me. If I could have stopped myself from breathing, I probably would have. My older child, Antoinette, whom we called Toni, was fifteen when K.K. was killed. She not only lost her brother but also the mother she’d known. My days had no meaning and my nights were sleepless.
I was afraid to sleep. I would see his face, hear him calling to me. I tried everything I could get my hands on to alleviate my pain. It was the early 1980s, the beginning of the crack epidemic, and on the streets of South Los Angeles, there was a lot someone like me could get her hands on.
Copyright © 2017 by Susan Burton and Cari Lynn. This excerpt originally appeared in Becoming Ms. Burton: From Prison to Recovery to Leading the Fight for Incarcerated Women, published by The New Press. Reprinted here with permission.